90min’s Definitive European Player Power Rankings: Week 3

Hey baby, I hear the blues a-callin’,

Footballers in Europe’s top leagues and 90min’s definitive player power rankings.

Oh My,

And maybe I seem a bit confused,

Yeah maybe, but I got you pegged!

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

But I don’t know what to do with those footballers in Europe’s top leagues and 90min’s definitive player power rankings.

They’re callin’ again.

90min’s definitive player power rankings all over my face.

What is a boy to do…

Frasier has left the building.

It’s 90min’s DEFINITIVE European Player Power Rankings time. It’s ‘Frasier‘ Season Three time. 


Let’s go. 


15. Harvey Barnes (New Entry)

Harvey Barnes

Daphne: “There’s nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. ‘What’s your favourite food?’ ‘What’s your favourite colour?’ ‘If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?’ If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?”

Frasier: “‘Check, please’ comes to mind.”

Not in Harvey Barnes’ wildest dreams did he expect to hit that ball so sweetly. Not in Harvey Barnes’ wildest dreams did he expect to break into 90min’s both prestigious and definitive European Player Power Rankings. 

And yet both happened. And I want to both pay Harvey Barnes for the hours of satisfaction he has given me and be paid for the hours of satisfaction that I have given him.

Cheque, please. 


14. Romelu Lukaku (New Entry)

Romelu Lukaku

“I’m proud of ya, man!”

With the expectations in Milan high, and the exit statements in Manchester low in gratitude and good luck wishes, Sunday evening was a big moment for ?Romelu Lukaku, and the big Belgian did himself proud, scoring a debut goal thanks to some A1 poaching. 

I mean, sure, Marcelo Brozovic, Stefano Sensi and Antonio Candreva may have all scored variating degrees of absolute screamers during the 4-0 win over Lecce, but where’s the narrative in that, eh? 


13. Joao Felix (Down 3)

FBL-ESP-LIGA-LEGANES-ATLETICO

Bulldog [bearing Mistletoe]: “Hey Roz, you know what’s over my head?”

Roz: Almost any clever remark?”

Three down for Felix, and it’s perhaps harsh considering he provided the assist for Atletico Madrid’s one and only goal against Leganes, and would’ve had a goal of his own were it not for Alvaro Morata’s determined selfishness. 

Still, one thing’s for sure: the Portuguese toddler is definitely not in over his head in Spain.


12. Mason Mount (Up 2)

Mason Mount,Tammy Abraham

“Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. Very Caucasian.”

Mason Mount may be slight. Very slight. Mason Mount may be white. Very white.

But that’s what makes him Chelsea’s Great White Homegrown Hope. Which, considering the apparent propensity for racist abuse within the club’s fanbase, doesn’t make for great reading. 

But that’s not Mount’s fault. Mount can do no wrong. Mount’s already a top five English midfielder of all-time. No debate.


11. Luis Muriel (New Entry)

Luis Muriel

“I’ve taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.”

Since his virtual breakout as a FIFA Ultimate Team sleeper gem back in 2010/11, Luis Muriel has struggled for consistently, struggled for public displays of rhythm. 

But, in his 36-minute introductory cameo for Atalanta against SPAL, in which, in the space of six minutes, he scored a crucial equaliser and then winner – both outside the box, both wonderfully precise – he showed that this year could be his year. 


10. Tammy Abraham (New Entry)

FBL-ENG-PR-NORWICH-CHELSEA

“Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn’t roll around on my sofa and I don’t throw him in front of a bus.”

If we’ve already designated Mason Mount as the Great White Hope, just as Larry Bird was back in the 80s, then it’s only fair that we christen Tammy Abraham as the Magic Johnson of Frank Lampard’s Chelsea. 

Because, let’s not forget, there was an agreement in place before the start of the season that decreed that Abraham wouldn’t score goals and pundits would throw him under the bus for it.

Worked out well, didn’t it? Tammy Abraceham, more like. 


9. Antoine Griezmann (New Entry)

Antoine Griezmann

Martin: “She just sat around whining all the time about how she’d like to be in a warmer climate.”

Frasier: “My guess is she finally made it!”

Read all about it! Read all about it! Antoine Griezmann has arrived in Barcelona!

Sure, the brace against Real Betis was great, but in doing so, the Frenchman far more importantly became the first La Blaugrana player to earn a spot in these here rankings, after last week’s 38-year-old champion Aritz Aduriz blew up the space-time continuum with an otherworldly bicycle kick. 

But that’s all ancient history now. The present is about Antoine, and the future might be too. 


8. Ashley Barnes (Up 1)

Ashley Barnes

“I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a Martin Scorsese film!”

Coming soon to a cinema (I mean streaming service, sorry) near you, Sir Ashley Barnes stars in a Martin Scorsese-Gareth Southgate motion picture collaboration entitled ‘The Englishman’.

I’m proud of this bit. And I’m proud of Sir Ashley Barnes. 


7. Teemu Pukki (Down 1)

FBL-ENG-PR-NORWICH-CHELSEA

“Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!”

If I’m pleased with Tammy Abraham’s resolve in the face of adversity, and proud of Ashley Barnes, then words can’t describe what I feel for Teemu Pukki. 

Doubts plagued the discourse surrounding the Finn. They were Abraham-esque in their predictions for his Premier League fortunes…Hold on, it’s just dawning on me now that this quote obviously should’ve been attributed to Tammy and it’s making me a bit sad. 

But then I see Pukki’s smiling face, his playful thumbs up, and I feel fine again. 


6. Dries Mertens (New Entry)

FBL-ITA-SERIEA-FIORENTINA-NAPOLI

“You know the best thing about gettin’ old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane…but people still ask you to help them move!”

Dries Mertens is 32 years old. But Dries Mertens hair has not turned grey. His joints work perfectly, he’s as pacy as he’s always been, and he’s still moving mountains for Napoli.

And what mountains.


5. Sergio Aguero (New Entry)

Sergio Aguero

“Ah, there he is! The man who floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera!”

The fairly garish celebration you’re looking at is the one of a man who doesn’t just float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. He’s way too fancy for that. 

No, he uses their latin derivatives, obviously. Not that he himself is in anyway a latin derivative. No, Sergio Aguero is one of a kind. And we’re lucky to have him. 


4. Raheem Sterling (-)

FBL-ENG-PR-BOURNEMOUTH-MAN CITY

Daphne: “Oh, Dr. Crane, don’t say anything about last night’s boxing match. Your dad hasn’t seen it yet.”

Niles: “Oh, I didn’t even know it was boxing season.”

Staying with Manchester City, and the boxing theme, it seems that, for Raheem Sterling, every weekend is boxing season.

And, every weekend, he delivers a K.O.

This time it was an outrageously deft touch at full-flight and an even defter poked finish. What’s he got in store for us next week?


3. Jadon Sancho (-)

Jadon Sancho

“No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for setting someone’s lawn on fire!”

I know Borussia Dortmund were 1-0 down in a must-win game at FC Koln. I know the seconds were running down.

But there was just no need to set the poor lads from Cologne’s lawn on fire with that emphatic equaliser, nor was there call for the pouring of oh, I don’t know, some kind of flammable and sprayable liquid onto said fire with the bursting through of their defences and placing of the ball on a plate for Paco Alcacer.

No need, Jadon. No need. 


2. Mohamed Salah (Re-Entry)

Mohamed Salah,David Luiz

“There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.”

Enough said. David Luiz doesn’t like Mohamed Salah. I wonder why? Maybe it’s the searing pace, agile trickery and unflinching finishing. 

I say enough said, but I’ve got to shoutout that penalty because, well, christ, what a pen. Absolute pen-fection. 


1. Robert Lewandowski (New Entry)

Robert Lewandowski

Frasier: “She’s back! The scourge of my existence!”

Niles: “Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…”

Another week, another new winner, and this one is as deserved as they come.

Robert Lewandowski is the Bundesliga’s very own living nightmare. He is a ruthless goalscoring machine, and there is nothing in Germany that can contain him. In two BuLi games he has five goals, and he refuses to slow down.

Sure, two of them have been penalties, but his second against Schalke was one of the crispest long-range free kicks you’ll see and his hat-trick sealing third was as well taken as they get.

He is the pack of dogs scratching at your door. He is the reason your blood is weeping down the wall. He is this week’s King of 90min’s DEFINITIVE European Player Power Rankings.


Let’

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