90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings: Week 4

“Jack ranks the best teams in Europe”?

Following a week in which:

– Timo Werner scored a pile of goals.

– SSC Napoli conceded a pile of goals.

– Borussia Dortmund lost to a pile of randomers. 

– Whitney dropped a pile of great songs from their new record “Forever Turned Around” (check it out). 

We, using quotes from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia season five, rank the best teams in Europe. 

We rank football teams all the time, dude! 

15) Borussia Dortmund (Down 13)

Paco Alcacer

“Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster…”

Well that was a disaster. 

A full blown ‘send relief aid’ level disaster. 

Borussia Dortmund drop a whopping 13 places in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings this week because they were beaten by Bundesliga new-boys UNION BERLIN (bet you couldn’t name any of their players) 3-1. 


14) Vitesse (New Entry) 

“How about your favourite food, what would that be?”

“Oh, milk-steak.”




A lot like steak cooked in milk, Vitesse being on 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings really shouldn’t be a thing. 

And yet, here we are: with Charlie Day eating milk-steak and Vitesse (the Chelsea C-team) on this week’s edition of the power rankings. 

They, weirdly, deserve to be too, because they’re, weirdly, sitting atop of the Eredivisie table – ahead of Ajax, PSV, etc. – after beating AZ Alkmaar 2-1 last weekend. 

13) Arsenal (Re-Entry) 

Erik Lamela,Alexandre Lacazette

They’re duelling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by duelling it out.”

What. A. Duel. 

Sunday’s meeting between arch north London rivals Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur was a pretty special, they played out a thrilling 2-2 draw.

The fact that Arsenal rallied from two goals down in the game is enough to earn them a place in 90min’s Definitive European Power Rankings this week, but expect Tottenham and Arsenal to duel all season in the power rankings and for a top three finish in the Premier League. 

‘Top three? Do you not mean top four?’

No. Be real with yourselves Man Utd and Chelsea fans. Be real. 

12) Ajax (Down 5) 


“We live and die by the crab Dee.” 

Ajax live and die by their policy of a top upheaval of their squad every season.

Ajax live and die by Total Football. 

Ajax live and die by trusting youth.  

At the moment, it’s working. 

11) Paris Saint-Germain (Re-Entry) 

“Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud?”


The shine may have taken off Mauro Icardi by him and his agent/wife being, well, not very well-perceived people. But, despite how – shall we say – difficult the Icardi family is, there is no doubting the fact that Mauro is still one of the best natural goalscorers in world football. 

So, with his talent only in mind, Paris Saint-Germain made a bloody brilliant signing on deadline day; one that may (probably not…but you never know), provide the killer instinct they need to go all the way in the UEFA Champions League this season. 

10) SSC Napoli (Down 4)


“Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle’s born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don’t you mess with his eggs now, or you’ll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. ‘Cuz we’re birds of war now, but we’re also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!”

That one must’ve hurt. Like really, really, really hurt. First love cheating on you with your best friend kind of hurt. 

However, there was a silver-lining to the heartbreak: she was a complete bi…I mean, ahem, Napoli showed some real fighting spirit. 

Coming from three goals down to the all-conquering Juventus is no mean feat, even if they would go on to lose the game. 

Plus, she was a complete b*tch. 

9) Torino (New Entry) 

Armando Izzo

“By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it’s brilliant. I mean I’m active, I’m gesturing with my hands, and I don’t feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I’d be spilling wine all over the god damn place.”

In the following metaphor: 

Boxed wine = Atalanta 

Can-wine = Torino. 

We all thought wine in a box was the best invention of all time. The perfect way to drink two litres of wine during a dinner party without anyone ever knowing; the opaque vessel that could hide our alcoholism. 

But then, out of nowhere, a gift from the Gods. 

Canned wine. 

As opaque as the box, but lighter, easier to carry, AND – the kicker – keeps your wine fresher and cooler than a box ever could. 

So yes, all of the above means one simple thing: 

Torino are like last year’s Atalanta, but better. Funner. Cooler. Flyer. 

8) Leicester City (New Entry) 

Youri Tielemans,Jamie Vardy

All right, you’re getting hung up on ‘can’t’, and I’m not saying that you can’t.”

Are Leicester City set to challenge for the Premier League title? 

Nooooo….noooo…of course not. They can’t.

But…can they? 

No, no, not a chance.

I mean, we said the same thing in 2015? 

Yeah but that was different. 


Ummmm, it just was.

But how? 



…It wasn’t that different actually…

So, are Leicester City going to win the league? 

I think so…

7) Atletico Madrid (Up 5) 

Thomas Partey,Jose Maria Gimenez,Kieran Trippier,Rodrigo Riquelme

Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it’s filled with hornets.”

Atletico Madrid won a game of football 3-2. 

Not 1-0. 


That’s weird. 

6) Inter (Down 2) 

Antonio Conte

I am sure our relationship would be a real ‘home run.'”

So far so good for Antonio Conte at Inter. 

He’s galvanised the talent that was already at the club (even Antonio Candreva is scoring goals), and he’s signed a number of hugely gifted players who are already paying dividends – see Romelu Lukaku scoring two in two and Stefano Sensi becoming the future of Italian football for examples of this. 

5) RB Leipzig (-) 

Timo Werner

“And then he smells crime again, he’s out busting heads. Then he’s back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.”

And then he smells crime again, he’s out busting heads. Then he’s back to the lab for some goals. Smells crime. Back to the lab, goals. Crime. Goals. Crime. More goals. Crime. Goal. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the game just sort of ends, with Timo Werner winning man of the match and RB Leipzig accumulating another three points. 

4) Juventus (Up 6) 


“D: Demonstrate Value”

“E: Engage Physically”

“N: Nurture Dependence”

“N: Neglect Emotionally”

“I: Inspire Hope”

“S: Separate Entirely”

G: Gonzalo Higuain and Danilo demonstrated their value. 

S: Sami Khedira engaged physicality. 

C: Cristiano Ronaldo nurtured Juventus’ dependance on him. 

P: Paulo Dybala was neglected. 

N: Napoli inspired hope by coming from three goals down to draw level in the final ten minutes.

J: Juventus separated themselves entirely from not just SSC Napoli, but the rest of Serie A, with a last minute winner. 

The G.S.C.P.N.J. system.

I can’t lie, it doesn’t have the same ring to it as the D.E.N.N.I.S system, but it’s also not as creepy. 

3) Manchester City (-) 


“Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you’re talking my language. I know this game.”

Manchester City beat Brighton & Hove Albion 4-0 last weekend. 

Of course they did. 

It’s Manchester City, and Brighton dropped Shane Duffy (Graham Potter is an idiot). 

2) Bayern Munich (Up 6) 

Robert Lewandowski,David Alaba

“Oh whoops, ooh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!”

Inside six minutes, Bayern Munich were one down to Mainz at the Allianz Stadium. 

75 minutes later, they were 6-1 up. 

What happened in those intervening 75 minutes was, essentially, Bayern showing off their massive magnum do…array of incredible attacking talent. 

1) Liverpool (-) 


“What if he can smell crime??”

“…What if he smells crime?”

“Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?”

“Holy shit dude, that’s amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!”

“WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.”

Virgil van Dijk. 

The guy is really, really, really good. 

So good that we think he actually might be able to smell attacks before they happen, snuffing them out before they even get started.

So good that he might win the Ballon d’Or. 

So good (?so good, so good). 


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.